Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I can't turn off my feet"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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