I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's blow job season.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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