My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
