We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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