1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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