There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
