Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
