We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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