What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
