put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
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