Just fell off a train. Bad.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
