We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
