She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
