my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
