Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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