i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
