i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
