got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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