I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
COCAINE IS GR8
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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