4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
