Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize