at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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