I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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