I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
