I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
