Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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