I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
