I heard we made out
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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