I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
