That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
