I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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