I heard we made out
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Randomize
