This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
