god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
