i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize