3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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