I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
