I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
