I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
