First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
