So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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