She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
