I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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