Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
