i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
