She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
