I want to stick my p in your. b.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
