Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
