here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
