This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
