Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
