Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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