life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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