well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
