He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
the gays at disneyland are vicious
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
