Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
