Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
