I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
