Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
