i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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