Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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