Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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