the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
