If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
